Encontrar calma en medio de la tormenta

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Hace algunos meses atravesé episodios de ansiedad y estrés. Fue un periodo difícil de manejar: aunque estaba rodeado de gente que me quiere y me apoya, me sentía solo y sin rumbo. No era la primera vez que lo experimentaba; pero esta vez decidí enfrentar la situación de manera distinta, tratando de comprender lo que estaba viviendo y navegarlo paso a paso. Poco a poco entendí que no todo estaba bajo mi control, que algunas cosas sucederían sin importar lo que hiciera y que, aunque me sintiera solo, había personas a mi alrededor listas para extenderme una mano.

Lo más crítico fue identificar la fuente de mi ansiedad: aquello que me despertaba a medianoche y no me dejaba dormir, lo que me ponía de mal humor y me mantenía en constante tensión con quienes me rodeaban. No dejaba de pensar en todas mis responsabilidades como padre, hijo, hermano y esposo, en las expectativas —reales o ficticias— que cargaba sobre mí. Era como si mi cabeza girara a mil por hora, buscando respuestas sin descanso, sin encontrar nunca un alivio verdadero. La situación era tan persistente que algunos días ni siquiera tenía ganas de levantarme para hacer ejercicio.

En lugar de encerrarme en ese torbellino, me acerqué a personas que me escucharon, me demostraron su apoyo y me arroparon. Ajusté mis rutinas de ejercicio a sesiones menos intensas, pero que me motivaban a continuar. Eso me dio fuerza y tranquilidad para enfocarme en la vida que quería construir, y no en la ansiedad que me atrapaba. Nadie a mi alrededor podía resolver directamente mi estado de ánimo; sin embargo, todos tenían algo que aportar. Algunos me brindaron un apoyo inesperado e incondicional, que fortaleció aún más nuestra amistad. Otros me guiaron hacia personas con el conocimiento necesario para ayudarme a comprender mis emociones. Y otros, incluso, me acercaron a quienes tenían la llave para aliviar esa ansiedad.

La razón por la que decidí compartir esta experiencia es porque quiero que, cuando enfrenten momentos de ansiedad, duda o de miedo, recuerden que nunca están solos. Aunque a veces la vida parezca desbordarnos, siempre hay alguien dispuesto a escuchar, a tender una mano o simplemente a acompañarnos en silencio. Yo también me sentí perdido, pero aprendí que el camino se aclara paso a paso, con paciencia y confianza en uno mismo. Si algo quiero dejarles es esto: ustedes tienen la fuerza y los valores para encontrar su rumbo, incluso en medio de la tormenta. Y cuando lo hagan, se sentirán más fuertes, sentirán la calma de haber resistido y de saber que siempre habrá luz, aunque al principio no se vea.

Los quiero mucho.

Cuando el cuerpo dice “suficiente”: una lección más allá del maratón

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Durante los últimos meses de 2024, mientras me recuperaba de mis últimas carreras y me enfocaba en la rehabilitación de mi rodilla izquierda, decidí inscribirme en el Maratón de Big Sur, uno de los más hermosos que existen. Entrené durante los meses siguientes con la guía de mi entrenador de carrera, mi psicóloga y mi nutrióloga. Con dedicación y sacrificio, siempre mantuve la idea de hacer el mejor entrenamiento posible para alcanzar mi objetivo.

Sin embargo, algunas veces el cuerpo te marca hasta dónde puedes llegar en ese momento. Tres semanas antes del maratón, mi cuerpo dijo “suficiente”.

Esa semana había entrenado intervalos a muy buena velocidad y me sentía fuerte. Sin embargo, un par de días después, durante un trote suave de 8 km, mi pantorrilla derecha empezó a tener calambres al final del entrenamiento. El dolor era tan intenso que tuve que terminar caminando.

Antes de la siguiente tanda larga descansé, recibí masajes, usé botas de compresión y apliqué hielo. Creía estar listo para enfrentar la sesión de 35 km en zona 3. Todo estaba planeado: tendría acompañamiento durante todo el recorrido. Correría con compañía los primeros 8-10 km, y después mi “partner in crime” me acompañaría para proveerme de nutrición e hidratación. Era el plan perfecto.

No llegué ni a los 500 metros. Los calambres fueron insoportables, tuve que regresar y terminar la sesión. Para no quedarme con las ganas de apoyar, tomé mi bicicleta y, a ritmo tranquilo, fui el “water boy”. Fueron los kilómetros más difíciles de todo el año, sabiendo que todo el esfuerzo estaba por irse a la basura, que el objetivo no se lograría. Solamente tenía ganas de gritar y llorar.

En las últimas tres semanas me enfoqué en trabajar el aspecto mental, la terapia física y el descanso, mucho descanso. El objetivo seguía claro: estar listo para el 27 de abril y correr el maratón.

Una semana antes del evento, ya sin margen para entrenar, tenía que hacer la última prueba: 14 km suaves, monitoreando la reacción de mi cuerpo. Todo empezó muy bien, con un buen calentamiento. Los primeros 6 kilómetros transcurrieron sin problemas. Sin embargo, mientras decidía la ruta a seguir, los calambres regresaron. El dolor se volvió insoportable. Los siguientes 45 minutos fueron de reflexión, durante la caminata más larga que he hecho para tomar una decisión.

Era obvio: no podría correr el maratón. El objetivo se había esfumado. Sin embargo, sabía que tenía que escuchar a mi cuerpo; intentarlo sería arriesgar una lesión mayor y perderme muchas carreras más.

El maratón es mañana. Es muy triste ver las imágenes de lo que viene, la emoción de los participantes, y saber que no podré estar ahí.

Me encantaría estar escribiendo sobre como conseguí un buen tiempo en el maratón; sin embargo, hoy me toca escribir que no siempre se logra. A veces, tenemos que hacer una pausa para poder seguir adelante. Es triste, frustrante e incómodo, especialmente cuando, un día antes, la gente te desea buena suerte y tú sabes que no correrás.

Ahora es momento de enfocarme en descansar, continuar con la terapia física y mental, fortalecerme, y cuidar mi alimentación. Hay muchos planes para el resto del año, y un gran equipo que siempre me apoya.

¡Vamos para adelante!

Momentos que importan

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Este artículo será 100% en español como un incentivo a mis hijos para continuar leyendo y escribiendo en el idioma con el cual crecí, me educaron y creo que será importante en su desarrollo futuro.

Una vez más tuvimos la oportunidad de compartir este verano con grandes amigos. De esos que duran toda la vida, que por lejos que estén o por poco que veamos, siempre disfrutamos. Esa amistad que es más sólida cada día y que se empieza a extender más allá de nosotros mismos, a nuestros hijos y a nuestras familias.

En esta ocasión, nuestras organizadoras oficiales coordinaron un excelente viaje por el Caribe. Un crucero a bordo de “Royal Caribbean – Freedom of the Seas“, desde cabinas relativamente contiguas hasta cena diaria para 21 (o 22? nunca supe) con nuestro mesero de cabecera, Don Putra.

Fue un viaje sin contratiempos, donde cada uno disfrutó de cada momento de excesos en el bar, el casino, los parques acuáticos, los restaurantes y de gente concentrada en espacios reducidos.

Cada lugar que visitamos fue una experiencia de vida, compartida con amigos y creando memorias para nosotros y los pequeños. Esos mismos que no descansan ni un minuto, que se levantan a las siete porque hay que desayunar antes de desembarcar en el siguiente puerto y se duermen a las once o doce de la noche porque es el momento cuando todos estamos juntos, conociéndonos más y disfrutando.

En lo personal, disfruté mucho compartir estos momentos con mis amigos y ver como Regina empieza a vencer sus miedos, no hace mucho era inimaginable que se subiera a un tobogán de adultos y este verano se lanzó del Daredevils’ Peak en Cococay.

Javier ya está pensando en los retos del próximo viaje, juegos extremos en DisneyWorld? toboganes más altos y rápidos que en Cococay?

En 2022 fuimos a Puerto Vallarta, en 2023 al Caribe, a dónde iremos en 2024?

I f***ed it up, no one else to blame

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It has been more than a year since the COVID-19 pandemic hit the USA, since day one we have been careful, following the public guidelines, restricting ourselves from going out if not for basic needs, avoiding crowds and staying away from our friends.

Earlier this year the scientific community surprised us with a number of vaccines that would improve our lives, these vaccines don’t prevent infection but lessen the impact of the virus in our bodies (check the CDC website). While infections among vaccinated people are rare, breakthrough cases exist.

By mid May I was fully vaccinated as many around me were, about the same time a series of new public guidelines were published: if you got fully vaccinated, you can stop wearing a mask outside, go indoor dining, travel or even attend sports events and concerts. Slowly but steadily, people started to get more comfortable, going back to normal life rather than recognizing that now we live in a new normal with new rules.

That’s when I f***ed it up, without realizing it or at least not recognizing my careless behavior, I felt more comfortable walking outside with no mask, getting closer to strangers, indoor dinning and even getting inside packed airplanes and airports for many hours. Now I need to spend 10+ days in complete isolation, fed through a sliding door.

Honestly, with very mild symptoms and my wonderful family around me there is nothing I should be complaining about. Nonetheless, through the clear view of my sliding door I can see my kids lives going on, like water running through my hands. Playing hide and seek, cards, painting, eating, running, screaming and waving. I can see them, I can hear them, but I cannot interact with them, they can’t hear me, they can’t touch me, neither can I.

When I traveled for work I was away for days, their lives kept going on and nothing happened. Today it is different, I can see them going on without me, it is like watching a movie where I’m supposed to be in. This is a very surreal experience, I wonder if this is how it feels when we are gone for good, if there is another place where those that left this world are watching us as we keep going on without them.

Feliz Cumpleaños Abi

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Así es como nos acordamos de ti todas las noches – Abi, que nos cuidas desde el cielo y nos echas un ojo, a veces dos y en ocasiones hasta cuatro, según el “numbero” de personas que te necesitan esa noche y al día siguiente. Afortunadamente estás con “pecesito”, que te acompaña todos los días y de vez en cuando nos echa uno o dos ojos también.

Extraño mucho tu guía con los niños, en los últimos años me di cuenta como utilizabas tus conocimientos en educación pre-escolar con tus propios hijos y últimamente con tus nietos, desde desarrollo motriz hasta comunicarte con ellos en su lenguaje.

Me gustaba mucho platicar contigo, siempre me guiaste y apoyaste en las decisiones más difíciles que he tomado hasta ahora, me mantuviste con mente clara y sin temor a dar pasos hacia adelante.

Me gusta creer que nos cuidas todos los días, que estás con Perico, Chelito y Roberto. Que algún día nos volveremos a ver, que no estamos lejos y que nos mantendremos los seis juntos como siempre.

Quiero desearte muy feliz cumpleaños, quiero que siempre estes en mi mente, la de mis hijos y que sigamos caminando juntos. Ma, te quiero, te extraño, te necesito.

Paco, Regina, Javier y el inseparable Chucho

Still here…

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It’s been a while since I posted on this blog, many things have happened in the last 2 years, I feel this is the right time to come back.

Very recently I had the opportunity to say goodbye to my mom, show her how much I love her, hug her for long periods of time, give her feet massages, listen to her heart beat till the last second, and let her know that we will be okay thanks to her care, education, guidance and unconditional love.

Letting her go has been the most difficult and painful experience in my life, nonetheless I think she is proud of how my sisters and I handled it. We were there for her, for my dad and for the entire family.

I’m grateful for the wealth of knowledge and experiences she shared with us, the great times we spent together and above all, the good memories Abi left on the kids.

Gipy, María, Abi, Connie, Ma, rest in peace, you won’t be missed because you will always be here with me. Love you.

Death talk

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Yup, you are just 3 months away from your 4th birthday’s celebration and we had the death talk already. Beautiful morning of May in Silicon Valley, random weather as it has been lately, heavy traffic which is a constant in the Bay Area and NPR on the radio.

I was listening to the newscaster, various topics of today’s crazy politics were discussed, you were playing with your brother on our way to daycare. I didn’t know how close you were paying attention to the news; however, as soon as your heard the word “dying” you reacted to it. You told me that dying was not good, I was surprised by your comment and wanted to understand where this came from.

I turned the radio off and paid full attention to your explanation, you said that dying is sad, that at daycare people said so. I immediately understood the situation, a couple of days before I learned that a close relative of the daycare owner passed away.

For many years I have feared losing my parents, probably everybody has that feeling; but for some reason it has been always present in my mind since I was a teenager. I have always tried to protect myself from that moment, I have seen how it has deeply affected people around me and I want to feel “safe” from that.

Anyway, as a parent I needed to hide those feelings for a moment to help you understand that dying is not bad, that life is a cycle where at some point people we love so much have to leave and say goodbye. We may feel sad because we won’t see our loved ones anymore; however, it is very important to always remember all the good time we spent together, the laughs we shared, their hugs and how good they made us feel.

I am sure this is one of many conversation we will have about this topic, and the first of many tough topics that I will face as a parent. How to explain something that I haven’t put my arms around?

At the end of the day, I will figure it out. I will always try my best, I’ll get out of my comfort zone to open any doors for you.

Love you.

10 years and 23 days later…

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On the 26th day of January 2017 I became a citizen of the United States of America.

Compared to many stories I have heard since I got here, I had it easy, very easy I would say. A full-time job, company car and housing for a month, one-on-one help to get SSN and DMV registration done, work permit in hand and years later green card sponsorship. Nothing to complain about, thanks to all of you that made it happen.

Many things have occurred over the past ten years, I just want to summarize it this way: I fell in love with California, I started a family with my lovely wife and now I see the future through my two Californian kids.

As I was growing up I learned about Mexico’s history, national anthem, food, culture, schools system, etc., I never asked why Mexicans do this or that, everything was part of who we were. As a new American citizen, I am learning about “us” in a faster way, I am always asking myself why Americans think one way or another, why “we” approach religion, housing, schooling, politics and even vacation time differently to Mexicans. It is not a complete cultural shock since I’ve been close to the American culture all my life; however, it requires some research and deep analysis to better understand where we come from and where we should go as Americans.

I don’t pretend to get to any conclusions about cultural differences or similarities here, I just want to highlight that my kids have a great opportunity in front of them to learn, experience and create a bi-cultural future for themselves. They are learning both countries’ history, food, culture and schools at an amazing pace, without asking themselves why, they just know that a red light means stop because that is the law, or that tacos are amazing because that is part of their diet.

I will always be Mexican, a very proud Mexican wherever I go. I am an American citizen now, a proud one as well.

I love my two countries, I love what they have to offer me and my family. I want to raise my kids loving and traveling around feeling the same pride I have for these flags.

Enjoy these two videos of Mexico and the USA:

México video

USA video

Aerial America by Smithsonian Channel

 

I lost it…and missed it

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I lost my mind, I stopped feeling the rush and anxiety that makes me get on time every time we are traveling. The stress of missing a flight, a train, not getting to our destination or having a place booked to stay has been with me for years…not last weekend.

6:10pm flight from Mexico City to San Francisco, all packed after 30 days of working remotely and spending quality time with our loved ones. 3:15pm was the appointment time to head out to the airport, everybody ready and I wanted so badly my last horchata coffee from Cielito Querido Cafe. So, since we were on time let’s pick the coffee up on our way and home we go. 

4pm-ish we head out to the airport, car #1 full of laugagge, the kids, passports, everything goes directly to the airport. Car #2 heads out in the search of the nearest Cielito Querido Cafe. As we drove around Mexico City “following” Waze’s directions, we missed one and two exits, we turned right, left and ended up trapped in the traffic in a dangerous neighborhood.

4:30pm already and I am still relaxed, I am sure we will get there on time. Finally, we got back on track to find the coffeee place. We rushed into the store asking the barista for all our drinks, the order takes less than we expected and now we are heading to the airport.

4:50 we hit heavy traffic with no options but to keep going forward, a message from car #1 arrives indicating that closer to the airport the traffic is worse. I felt a little pressure but still thought we would be able to make it on time.

5:10pm we drive at 10mi/hr, I start thinking about the possibility of missing our flight; however, another message from car #1 indicates that they have reached the airport and are in line for checking the bags in already.

5:20pm we are parking at the airport feeling somehow safe after hearing laugagge is in and boarding passes on hand, and then…

5:30pm I told everybody that I wanted to have lunch with them, my family, I didn’t want to rush anymore, I wanted to spend more time with them. During the next 20min I was blocked, everyone was telling us that we were about to miss the flight, that lunch was not an option, hurrying us to pass security but I still got them to join me for lunch. I wanted to be there, see them, talk to them, touch them.

5:45pm we say our goodbyes, go through security, dodge people as we run passing all gates until we finally get to ours just to hear our flight was gone. I felt sorry for making my wife and kids go through this, she was worried of what just happened and her face was indescribable. I’m sorry wife, I love you.

For the next two hours or so I needed to fix this mess, find our laugagge, book new tickets, get a place to stay (that was the easy part), all while assuring everybody that I was mentally okay and this was just a small lapse.

Don’t ask me why I behaved like this last week, I still do not understand it. I am just happy to know that our families are always there to hold our back. The coffee, the airport rush, the lunch, waiting for us knowing we will miss the flight, their patience while I dealt with the situation, their smiles at the end of the day.

Thanks, I love the 11 of you so much.

2016 is over, what happened and what’s next?

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It has been a long time since I posted something on this blog, partially because ideas haven’t been around and also because time hasn’t  allowed it. As we embark on a new journey or cycle, year 2017 as we call it, I think it is the right time to make a pause and recap on 2016 and plan for the next 12 months.

You might remember my 2016 resolutions post, I set 3 goals for the entire year and here is the recap. 1) Finish at least two half-marathons – check, 2) Read six books not directly related to my job – check, and 3) Start learning a new language – hmmm missed. What did I learn from all of this? My first goal was SMART, Specific, Measurable, Atteinable, Relevant and Time-Bound, I even surpassed it by running 3 half-marathons. My second goal was SMART too; however, I lost sight of it. At the end, I met my goal with super exciting books but in a rush to gobble up what I didn’t read during the previous 345 days of the year. Finally, a very well intended but poorly planned goal. I didn’t have a strategy or spent the right amount of time to accomplish it. It didn’t specify the language I planned to learn, the level of proficiency I wanted to achieve and even worse I thought it was not even relevant at some point, so the smallest distraction made me avoid working on it. Everything else are excuses, spending more hours at work, achieving other non-planned goals, enjoying new family members, etc. These are just circumstances we need to manage all along, if we set our own goals we need to focus and work hard to achieve them, if they seem to be farther than expected then recalibrate and work harder, there is no other way to succeed.

Now, what’s there for 2017?

Sometimes destiny shoots new challenges at you, and by destiny I mean reactions triggered by  actions you have taken in the past. After spending many hours training for three half-marathons, counting calories and steps for a couple of health challenges with coworkers and talking nonstop about eating habits, my 2017 goals were kind of easy to set. Here we go:

1) Complete 2017 miles in 2017, this is a walk/run challenge I will complete with my wife as a team.

2) Complete an 11 minute abs routine for more than 300 days this year. The routine is comprised by the following exercises, an 8 min workout from 1994 and a 3 min workout from Bowflex.

There are so many other things ahead in 2017; however, these are the two goals I want to focus on during the next 12 months.

You may be thinking, what about his family or his work goals? Reality is that I enjoy my work every single day of the week, I take very seriously every single challenge that is thrown at me and I always seek for more to take on. As for my family, I can’t set time-bound goals, it has been an amazing ride that I hope lasts until my last day. From my parents, siblings, wife, in-laws and amazing kids I just want to keep enjoying, learning and sharing this incredible journey with you.

Accomplished:

  • Overall steps: 1,547 miles myself
  • Overall days of ABS training: 28 + 24 + 28 + 26 + 26 + 26 + 25 + 28 + 23 + 23 + 22 + 22 = 301