Family

I f***ed it up, no one else to blame

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It has been more than a year since the COVID-19 pandemic hit the USA, since day one we have been careful, following the public guidelines, restricting ourselves from going out if not for basic needs, avoiding crowds and staying away from our friends.

Earlier this year the scientific community surprised us with a number of vaccines that would improve our lives, these vaccines don’t prevent infection but lessen the impact of the virus in our bodies (check the CDC website). While infections among vaccinated people are rare, breakthrough cases exist.

By mid May I was fully vaccinated as many around me were, about the same time a series of new public guidelines were published: if you got fully vaccinated, you can stop wearing a mask outside, go indoor dining, travel or even attend sports events and concerts. Slowly but steadily, people started to get more comfortable, going back to normal life rather than recognizing that now we live in a new normal with new rules.

That’s when I f***ed it up, without realizing it or at least not recognizing my careless behavior, I felt more comfortable walking outside with no mask, getting closer to strangers, indoor dinning and even getting inside packed airplanes and airports for many hours. Now I need to spend 10+ days in complete isolation, fed through a sliding door.

Honestly, with very mild symptoms and my wonderful family around me there is nothing I should be complaining about. Nonetheless, through the clear view of my sliding door I can see my kids lives going on, like water running through my hands. Playing hide and seek, cards, painting, eating, running, screaming and waving. I can see them, I can hear them, but I cannot interact with them, they can’t hear me, they can’t touch me, neither can I.

When I traveled for work I was away for days, their lives kept going on and nothing happened. Today it is different, I can see them going on without me, it is like watching a movie where I’m supposed to be in. This is a very surreal experience, I wonder if this is how it feels when we are gone for good, if there is another place where those that left this world are watching us as we keep going on without them.

Feliz Cumpleaños Abi

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Así es como nos acordamos de ti todas las noches – Abi, que nos cuidas desde el cielo y nos echas un ojo, a veces dos y en ocasiones hasta cuatro, según el “numbero” de personas que te necesitan esa noche y al día siguiente. Afortunadamente estás con “pecesito”, que te acompaña todos los días y de vez en cuando nos echa uno o dos ojos también.

Extraño mucho tu guía con los niños, en los últimos años me di cuenta como utilizabas tus conocimientos en educación pre-escolar con tus propios hijos y últimamente con tus nietos, desde desarrollo motriz hasta comunicarte con ellos en su lenguaje.

Me gustaba mucho platicar contigo, siempre me guiaste y apoyaste en las decisiones más difíciles que he tomado hasta ahora, me mantuviste con mente clara y sin temor a dar pasos hacia adelante.

Me gusta creer que nos cuidas todos los días, que estás con Perico, Chelito y Roberto. Que algún día nos volveremos a ver, que no estamos lejos y que nos mantendremos los seis juntos como siempre.

Quiero desearte muy feliz cumpleaños, quiero que siempre estes en mi mente, la de mis hijos y que sigamos caminando juntos. Ma, te quiero, te extraño, te necesito.

Paco, Regina, Javier y el inseparable Chucho

Death talk

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Yup, you are just 3 months away from your 4th birthday’s celebration and we had the death talk already. Beautiful morning of May in Silicon Valley, random weather as it has been lately, heavy traffic which is a constant in the Bay Area and NPR on the radio.

I was listening to the newscaster, various topics of today’s crazy politics were discussed, you were playing with your brother on our way to daycare. I didn’t know how close you were paying attention to the news; however, as soon as your heard the word “dying” you reacted to it. You told me that dying was not good, I was surprised by your comment and wanted to understand where this came from.

I turned the radio off and paid full attention to your explanation, you said that dying is sad, that at daycare people said so. I immediately understood the situation, a couple of days before I learned that a close relative of the daycare owner passed away.

For many years I have feared losing my parents, probably everybody has that feeling; but for some reason it has been always present in my mind since I was a teenager. I have always tried to protect myself from that moment, I have seen how it has deeply affected people around me and I want to feel “safe” from that.

Anyway, as a parent I needed to hide those feelings for a moment to help you understand that dying is not bad, that life is a cycle where at some point people we love so much have to leave and say goodbye. We may feel sad because we won’t see our loved ones anymore; however, it is very important to always remember all the good time we spent together, the laughs we shared, their hugs and how good they made us feel.

I am sure this is one of many conversation we will have about this topic, and the first of many tough topics that I will face as a parent. How to explain something that I haven’t put my arms around?

At the end of the day, I will figure it out. I will always try my best, I’ll get out of my comfort zone to open any doors for you.

Love you.

Disculpas para la afición

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Creo que una disculpa para la afición es muy merecida, ésta es para la afición de los 49ers de San Francisco por las condiciones en las que dejamos su estadio, para la afición de Chile y para aquellos que con respeto asistieron al partido de cuartos de final entre Chile y México. El día de ayer fue una vergüenza, dijeron los jugadores de México al perder 7-0, un día para analizar y sacar conclusiones, éstas son las mías.

Ayer fue el primer partido de México al que acudí como padre de familia, orgulloso de mi país de origen, inculcando ese orgullo y amor a mi hija nacida en USA. Vestida de verde, blanco y rojo, la cara pintada con la bandera tricolor y una banda verde en la cabeza como nuestro gran político contemporáneo Juanito.

Desde nuestra llegada al evento podíamos ver el incremento en la seguridad alrededor del estadio, normal en USA para un evento internacional con estadio lleno. Los trabajadores del estadio muy amables en cada momento, ayudando a los aficionados a tomarse fotos con la familia e incluso los elementos de seguridad permitiendo tomarse fotos como si fueran Mickey Mouse. Todo parecía un evento deportivo normal hasta que escuché los primeros insultos al arbitro, a los jugadores, a Trump y a cuanta persona que saliera en las pantallas del estadio con la bandera o uniforme de Chile. Aún faltaba más de una hora para empezar el partido, pero los aficionados ya estaban como si fuera el minuto 20 de la final de un mundial. Entiendo la pasión del futbol, entiendo que los estadios sirven para desahogarte de todas tus preocupaciones, estrés y problemas, lo que no entiendo es por qué cuando juega México o un equipo mexicano la gente se transforma de esta manera.

Durante casi año y medio hemos asistido a los partidos locales de la MLS, siempre llegamos con mucho tiempo de anticipación para comer y disfrutar de una tarde o noche con la familia y amigos viendo un partido de futbol profesional. En todas y cada una de esas ocasiones ha habido alcohol, porras del equipo rival, barras apoyando a nuestro equipo y en ninguna ocasión he visto golpes, cervezas volando desde la tribuna ni insultos mayores a un árbitro o jugador en la cancha. También he sido afortunado en asistir a partidos de futbol en Europa y aunque definitivamente los aficionados son más apasionados que en USA tampoco me había tocado vivir una experiencia como ayer.  Pero que no juegue el América o la Selección Nacional porque entonces gritos, sombrerazos, cervezas voladoras, mentadas y cualquier cantidad de expresiones que la afición piensa que nos hacen sentir más “unidos”, nos hacen “mexicanos de corazón”, que nos hacen parte de “los buenos”. 

Nos los conozco por nombre y posiblemente no los reconozca de cara, pero estoy seguro que muchos de ellos son los mismos que vienen a la MLS cada fin de semana y se comportan civilizadamente, los mismos que me encuentro en la oficina, el súper, el cine y que dan el paso a las mujeres, dicen gracias y saludan al llegar a algún lugar. Muchos de esos aseguro son los que cantan corridos, hacen fiestas coloridas, respetan a su madre y quieren a su patria a pesar de estar lejos de ella.

Hoy mi análisis es muy simple, el futbol es apasionante, nos une como nación, nos hace vibrar cada minuto y también saca lo peor de nuestra cultura. Sinceramente no es justificación que aficionados de otros países se comporten como delincuentes, insulten o destruyan los estadios, simplemente yo no comparto ese estilo de afición. 

Mi conclusión es que seguiré asistiendo a todos los partidos donde pueda apoyar a mi selección, apoyar a los equipos de futbol con los que crecí y disfrutar del deporte que más me gusta, el “pan-bol”. Para muestra, en dos semanas iremos a ver a mis Pumas en San José, California.

También concluí que seguiré inculcando a mis hijos la cultura mexicana que me enorgullece, esa que nos distingue en el extranjero y en casa, la misma que nos hace luchar por algo mejor cada día, la que está llena de sabores, colores e historias de Lloronas y el Chupacabras. Para ser mexicanos solamente tenemos que actuar como estoy seguro nuestras madres nos enseñaron, tenemos que respetar para ser respetados.

Espero que la disculpa sea aceptada, espero que nos sigan recibiendo en su casa.

2016 Resolutions

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Since we are on the first month of the year still, I’m totally allowed to write about this topic. It is almost impossible to think about New Year’s resolutions when you are eating, drinking or relaxing over the holidays. Actually, I will officially propose that we move all the New Year’s resolutions process to the beginning of each new year and stay focused on closing the previous year at full speed.

Now that we are reaching the end of January I started thinking about my own 2016 resolutions. For starters, I have ditched all those related to eating healthier, excercising more or saving money. Those have never worked for me, are completely unappealing and provide no short term rewards, actually these come with more frustration than anything else. These require a three year plan at least, something that doesn’t qualify for a “year resolution” in my humble opinion. I am not planning on being a better father, brother, son, worker or anything like that either, these require introspection and a continuous improvement process, these are not a point in time commitment.

After some back and forth, I decided that my 2016 resolutions should be simple and achievable. I am fully aware that by publishing my resolutions on this blog the Internet will be reminding me about them as well, so I will make it short and sweet:

1) Finish at least two half-marathons 

2) Read six books not directly related to my job

3) Start learning a new language

This is it, straightforward resolutions with measurable goals. I don’t want to be healthier or slimmer, I want to complete two races. I don’t want to be smarter, I want to read six books. And I am tired of moving a personal interest to learn a new language, so here we go.

Once I click publish there is no go back, so let it be. 

On your mark, get set…GO!!!

UPDATES:

1) Two half marathons 

San Francisco Rock and Roll Half-Marathon, completed on April 3rd

San Jose Rock and Roll Half-Marathon, completed on October 2nd 

Big Sur Half-Marathon, completed on November 13th

2) Six books

“Zero to One” by Peter Thiel. Finished on February 27th, very recommendable.

“What Would Google Do?” by Jeff Jarvis. Finished on May 14th, interesting.

“Marissa Mayer and the fight to save Yahoo!” by Nicholas Carlson. Finished on November 30th, an excellent tale that ended with the acquisition of Yahoo! In 2016.

“El coronel no tiene quien le escriba” by Gabriel García Márquez. Finished on December 27th, a lot of introspection needed after reading it.

“Crónica de una muerte anunciada” by Gabriel García Márquez. Finished on December 30th, awesome.

“Super freakonomics” by Steven D. Levitt & Stephen J. Dubner. Finished on December 31st, lies, damn lies & statstics, worth reading.

3) New language 

Started learning French early in the year, stopped and never went back to it. Doesn’t matter why, this goal was not met. More on this on my next post.

Reflections I

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“$140 esta bien de precio, no?”, “El cambio que me den, te lo doy, ahora sí de verdad”, “Tú nunca tienes dinero para nada”. If you haven’t seen the latest Star Wars movie The Force Awakens, you won’t understand this analogy, but when parents hear these things from their kids is like when Ben Solo (a.k.a. Kylo Ren) said “Thank you” to Han Solo the last time they saw each other. What Han’s reaction was? like any other father who loves his son…drums roll please…watch the movie.

For my English speaking readers, here is the translation of those three sentences I heard over the holidays from kids in a store full of toys to their ashtonished parents: “$140 is a good price, isn’t it?”, “the change I get, I will give it back to you, this time for sure”, “you never have money for anything”.

This made me think about my childhood and myself now as a father. In my childhood I didn’t understand the value of money, the huge effort my parents went through to provide for the family and give me everything I had or how painful it was for them to hear me spitting things like the ones I heard these holidays out of my mouth. I had everything I asked for, no matter what it was I got it, within reason but I got it. The newest bike in the block, the latest game console, the school trip to NASA, the school I wanted and the list goes on and on. After some time I learned how those things happened, I realized how stupid and selfish I was and that those mean words you throw at your parents cannot be taken back.

I’m still not the best son I could be, still working on it, I just hope my teachers, leaders and coaches in life – my parents – see some progress. I am thankful to them and also to all the people that have contributed to making me happy without my knowledge. THANK YOU, you know who I’m talking to.

Now is time for me to provide and educate. Not sure when or how I’m going to start these conversations with CG, nonetheless my goal is clear, I don’t want her be mean (or ignorant) like those kids, to make the same mistakes I made and then regret about it. I just need to rely on my own experience, the education my parents gave me and a partner with great values to help me raise an awesome kid. 

Crying calling papa

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After an amazing time off, we returned home to a new reality, a reality where CG cries calling papa or mama. Yikes.

It may seem like no big deal, however this is showing how she is growing, becoming more aware of her surroundings and getting smarter at getting our attention. She knows that calling mama or papa has an effect, and we need to be careful that it doesn’t mean she is taking control over the situation.

This reminds me of all those YouTube videos where babies just cry in the presence of their parents, or quietly follow them throwing temper tantrums when they know dad and mom are watching. CG has done this kind of things too, but adding mama or papa to it brings it to a new level, it makes me feel responsible for some wrong doing.

Maybe this is Maslow’s hierarchy in full swing, maybe she is moving from her physiological needs to her love and belonging needs. I don’t want to be a shrink or analyze my daughter’s behavior so deeply, just saying that something should explain these recent changes.

As she says, “bye bye” to those days when crying was clearly for a physiological need relatively easy to identify and address.  Now, we need to welcome this new phase in our lives where figuring out her needs is more complicated, the good news, some of this sends me a clear message of “I love you, I need you” papa. I love you too CG.

 

Wise men, a very personal tradition

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Sadly our holidays and well deserved vacations have come to an end, yet there is no better way to say goodbye than celebrating with the three 👑👑👑 Wise men.  

For some reason my father has taken this tradition to his heart, by now everybody knows that around January 5th he and my mom will throw a party to write a wish letter and send it up to the Wise men in a well inflated helium balloon.

This requires some preparation, preparation for a party of more than 100 people that joined us this year, most of which are family members, friends, neighbors, friends of our neighbors and everybody that has heard about it. Some of them were even asking about it before the date was confirmed.

All starts by getting the right size of balloons, #20 I think, not less not more. Getting the helium tank for 300 balloons just in case we have an overflow of requests to the Wise men, paper for the wish letters and a little cord to tie each letter to their respective balloon. 30 Abuelita chocolate bars, 24 liters of milk, 3 Roscas de Reyes, pastor tacos for 100+ people, drinks, tables, chairs, etc.

One or two hours before the guests arrive, inflating the balloons is a task my dad owns, nobody else, except for me when he is distracted. One balloon at a time, until the whole living room ceiling is full of them, doesn’t matter how many or how much time it takes he is in charge. Attaching the little cord to each balloon can be done by anybody else, his staff obviously, this time it was assigned to CG’s mom and me.

  
VaLu is normally in charge of mixing the Abuelita bars with the milk to make us a delicious hot chocolate, same deal as with the balloons, my dad and VaLu are in charge and everybody else is an observer. In this ocasion the observers noted that half of the kitchen wall had chocolate on it before VaLu realized it. Probably she was so focused on the quality that she didn’t pay attention to the messy kitchen she was creating – it was fun though.

As guests came in, my mom kept working on the final details, where to put the food, drinks, chairs for the elders, etc. Aligning all activities for the night, diner first, then making sure that everybody has paper and pen for their wish letter, balloons throwing at the count of three and finally Rocas de Reyes with hot chocolate – like a well coordinated concert.

Kids of all ages and adults of all sorts of life come together this special night, all get to write a letter, all get to dream, all get to ask for anything they can imagine as all of it will come true.

 In some parts of the world people organize parades with the Wise men, in my world my wise man and woman organize a party that makes us come and dream together, a celebration that everybody is waiting for and that for the first time CG enjoyed as she wrote her wish letter, released her balloon to the sky and said bye bye as it was flying away.
This is our tradition of the Wise men, I want to thank mom and dad for keeping it alive and making it so personal, I love it and I’m not the only one.

  
PS. I wish CG gets the four things she asked for. 👍🏼